CoffeeThere’s nothing better than arriving at work to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. That rich aroma acts as a beacon of hope, a signal that it just might be possible to make it through the day.

On the other hand, that empty pot can bring on feelings of gloom and despair, but making a pot just isn’t that interesting or fun. Surely that 45 seconds can be put to better use.

Is this deception born out of laziness? Yes.

Is this deception a sign of passive aggressive tendencies? Of course.

To get out of making coffee, your co-workers need to believe that at some point you actually brewed a pot. Ideally, associate your fiction with a memorable office event or when a co-worker confided some personal information about their life.

Scenario 1:

Co-Worker: I don’t know what I’m going to do, last Thursday my wife told me she wanted a divorce.

You: You mentioned that. I was making a pot of coffee at the time. She’s crazy to leave you! Care for a cup?

Scenario 2:

Co-Worker: Do you remember when Jenny lost it and hurled profanities around the office?

You: I sure do. I was making a pot of coffee at the time. I think the fresh coffee after the outburst helped everyone calm down.

Once you have planted the idea that you’ve actually brewed java on numerous occasions, you will be off the coffee ‘radar’, and your reputation as a team player will remain intact!

At times, you may need to implement other techniques depending on the situation.

Proper etiquette dictates that the person who takes the last cup must brew a fresh batch. Make sure to leave just enough to fill at least half a cup. This means approaching the pot with caution. Don’t start pouring unless you are certain there will be enough left to get you off the hook.

Boss: Any coffee left?

You: There sure is boss . . . there sure is!  A good solid half-cup or so . . .

Another trick is to approach the pot seconds after a co-worker has made motions to make a brew. Timing here is crucial. If you lunge too soon, you may get stuck with actually making coffee. And who wants that? Remember to act with contrition:

You: Oh sorry Amy, I didn’t realize you were about to make the coffee. I sure admire your gumption to do it with your arm in a sling. You’re an inspiration to us all. I’ll get out of your way.”

Amy: Well . . . Um . . . I . . . er . . . I could use a little help . . .

You: “Great . . . I’ll be back when it’s ready.”

Finally, this last technique takes minimal effort. Even though you didn’t lift a finger to make it, steal the glory by going up and down the office corridors shouting, “Fresh coffee ready to go!” Simple. Effective.

There you have it. A few simple ‘techniques’ in the fine art of not making coffee. Now go get yourself a nice fresh, guilt-free cup . . .

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