Hey non-football fans, no one is going to appreciate you showing up to their Super Bowl party, drinking all their beer, going HAM on their guacamole and then complaining about how lame football is. But how do you get in on the fun when you literally don’t know a touchdown from a hole in the ground? There’s a golden rule your unemployed uncle probably shouted at you on your way to your first job interview that totally applies here: Fake it til you make it, baby.
Here are the Do’s and Don’ts Of Watching The Super Bowl Even If You Have No Idea WTF Is Going On:
DO: Make sure to tell the dude peeking over your shoulder at your phone screen that you’re texting your bookie. Rattle off something like, “If they don’t score here, I’ll probably miss the spread.”
DON’T: Admit that you really are texting your bookie, but it’s about your stakes in the Puppy Bowl.
DO: Assure the party of your passion for the game by always speaking with authority (read: a loud voice.)
DON’T: Claim football as your favorite sport. That’s just setting the bar unnecessarily high for yourself from the get-go.
DO: Mutter under your breath throughout the game one of the following curses (choose ONLY one):
- “F**kin’ Roger Goodell …” (NFL Commissioner)
- “F**kin’ Pete Carroll …” (Seattle Head Coach)
- “F**kin’ Bill Belichick …” (New England Head Coach)
DON’T: Hum along to Katy Perry during the halftime show. They’ll be onto you, dammit!!!
DO: Memorize some ambiguous phrases for you to scream at the television:
- “Open you eyes, ref!”
- “Man, that secondary …”
- “BEAST MODE!”
DON’T: Mention anything about how ill-fitting the players’ clothes are. I mean, they look like they’re running around in crop tops and capris, amirite?!?!
DO: Appear to periodically question the refs’ decisions by saying things that are non-committal.
- “Oh, I’m not sure about that.”
- “Are they going to do this all game?”
- “Who let the replacement refs on the field?”
DON’T: Get too excited about any one play, unless you hear noticeable shock and awe from those of whom you’ve established are the more seasoned fans. In which case, a very general “OHHHH” face will do.
DO: Reference last year’s Super Bowl but only to say how boring it was.
DON’T: Stress. As long as you follow these steps, you totally got this. Goooooo sports!